The Hidden Cost of Being Strong

In today’s episode of Trusting Her Journey, we’re naming something many of us carry but rarely talk about the exhausting, unspoken identity of being “the strong one.”

You know the role. You’re the one people call when they’re in crisis. The one who holds it all together, even when you're unraveling inside. The one who’s praised for her strength, but never asked if she’s okay.

In this foundational conversation, we unpack what it means to carry that title and why it’s time to stop wearing it like a badge of honor. We explore the cultural, familial, and faith-based messages that taught us to prioritize resilience over rest and how that pressure impacts our mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

We also reflect on what happens when strength becomes survival and how faith invites us into something gentler. This episode ends with a moment of rest and reflection, offering you space to pause and gently ask yourself: What am I carrying that’s too heavy to hold alone?

Whether you’ve always been the strong one or recently realized the toll it’s taken, this conversation is for you.

What You’ll Hear in This Episode:

• What it means to be “the strong one” and how that identity forms

• How family, culture, and faith have shaped our relationship with strength

• The emotional and physical toll of always being the one who carries it all

• A powerful reframing of rest as a form of faith (Matthew 11:28)

• A “rest stop” reflection + small step for the week ahead

New episodes drop every week.

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Looking for Therapy?

Christalyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor in South Carolina. She offers faith-integrated therapy for women navigating burnout, boundaries, and emotional exhaustion.
→ carolinacounselingsc.com

Felicia is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Licensed Mental Health Therapist in Virginia, Georgia, and Texas,  She provides trauma-informed, somatic-based therapy for women ready to heal and reconnect with themselves.
→ soulguidedhealing...

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

many women a lot especially black women we are taught early what strength looks like we're taught to push through don't let other people see you cry don't let the other people see you fall apart so if the women in my life ever fell apart i don't i have no idea when it happened or where it happened

SPEAKER_00 0:19

welcome to the trust in her journey podcast i'm felicia

SPEAKER_01 0:23

And I'm Krystalyn.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

This podcast is a safe space for women who are carrying a lot. Women who are trying to trust themselves again while managing the weight of their roles and responsibilities.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

We know what it's like to feel stretched thin because you're constantly showing up for everyone and putting your own needs last. Here, we have honest conversations about the silent struggles many women face.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

We're so glad you're here. In every episode, we'll talk about the real challenges women navigate, whether it's juggling work and family, carving out time for yourself or learning to trust your instincts again.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

You'll hear us share personal stories and lessons from our experience to help you trust your path and rethink what peace and balance actually looks like for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Our goal is to guide you through the hard moments with honest conversations about boundaries, self-care, and leaning on your faith for strength.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

If you've been feeling overwhelmed, unseen, or unsure about how to care for yourself while caring for everyone else, you're in the right place.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Just a quick heads up, this podcast isn't a substitute for working with a licensed counselor or therapist but don't worry if you need that kind of support we've got some resources for you in the show notes let's start the conversation Hey, y'all. Welcome back to Trust in Her Journey. We're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Hey, everyone. Before we jump in, I do want to take a minute to check in with Felicia. It's been a while since we've seen each other. How you doing, Felicia? I'm doing good. How are you? I am doing well. I'm doing well. What have you been up to these last

SPEAKER_00 2:06

couple weeks? Oh, man. A lot of everything. Working and enjoying time with the family. And also like, I don't know, a lot of reflection, I should say. My birthday is on Friday. My 35th birthday is on Friday. I know. That's a big deal. It is. I'm excited. And it has put me in a space of just like, of course, gratitude, but reflection over the year, the years, and just what I'm looking forward to going into the start of my new personal year. All right. Very good. 35 yes

SPEAKER_01 2:47

it's been a little while since I've seen 35 girl it's not that far off

SPEAKER_00 2:55

it's not that far off don't do

SPEAKER_01 2:57

that well when I when I was 35 or turning 35 I was becoming a mom for the first time

SPEAKER_00 3:03

oh wow okay okay that's cool and I am closing the door on any more kids at 35 listen close the door to and done happy and that's why I'm like this is a rebirth for me honey like yeah that's

SPEAKER_01 3:21

exciting that

SPEAKER_00 3:22

is new chapter yes yes what have you been up to um

SPEAKER_01 3:26

like everything like you said we um just recently came back from spring break family trip um I don't really say vacations when the three of us are on a trip all the time because sometimes it's not really vacation it's my family

SPEAKER_00 3:40

yeah yeah and you feel like you need a vacation from the vacation when you get back. I mean, that's me personally. I don't want to speak for you, but that's me personally.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

No, no, same. And so because that is usually the case this time, I received a lot of reminders to put down a lot of the things that I have been holding on to as far as my responsibilities. And I just had a lot of stuff to go, which actually brings me to our topic for today. Yeah. Yeah. You want to tell everybody what we're going to talk about tonight?

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Sure. So tonight we are going to really talk about being the strong one and the weight of being the strong one and how that may look for some of us, because I don't think, I know that we often talk about, hey, I'm the strong one or people look at me as the strong one, but we're really going to dive into like what is that like or how does that show up I should say and also how that that mindset can continue to impact us in our lives in the way that we show up for ourselves in the way that we show up in relationships and just the way that we take care of ourselves and I love that you even mentioned like this spring break it kind of taught you the idea of like not carrying so much so you've kind of already explained just like what it means for you to release the idea of being the strong one and it just kind of leads me into a space of reflection as well where I don't know if I've been doing this more recently because I have been like a little bit more intentional with the way that I'm showing up and all of the things that I am carrying but just like you I always feel like I need to control things like I need to plan everything yeah yes yeah and more specifically in like home life I think of course of course

SPEAKER_02 5:51

yes

SPEAKER_00 5:51

like in everything else I'm like okay same do your thing but I think for me it's just like to help my own mindset to help my own peace to not get activated or easily charged or even stimulated I try to control things that I really don't even need to control so trying to learn to act for help and doing that more and being a little bit more intentional with the way that I communicate the help that I need and not try to be super mom or super woman like girl rely on the community that is around you. So I am excited to talk about this because I feel like so many of our listeners and community members will benefit from this because it probably resonate with them on so many different levels.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

I agree. Now we know know that this is not going to be a one-off we're going to have to have more than one part to this conversation so y'all stay tuned for next week because we will do an episode part two next week we'll talk about what real support looks like and how to actually receive the support from the circle that so many of us have taken a lot of time to create and we don't actually use the circle in a way that's helpful or beneficial to us and so we want to talk about equity Yeah. So, um, you

SPEAKER_00 7:18

know, let's just kind of jump into the conversation for today. So if you have been feeling like you don't have permission to fall apart or that you're holding on to too much, we do believe that this conversation is for you. So before we even jump into the, the meat and potatoes of this conversation, I would love for us just to break down what does it mean to be the strong one? So can you kind of give me your definition of what it means to be the strong one or how it may show up?

SPEAKER_01 7:57

To me, I know that being the strong one means that you are the emotional support person, the person who's the fixer, the person who's the encourager, the person who's the helper, the person who Everyone thinks it's okay whether you really are or not. Sometimes they don't even ask. The person who is actually sometimes even called the strong one, right? So people refer to you or say to you when you're dealing with things, when life is happening, oh girl, you are so strong. How do you hold it all together? How do you keep it all together? How do you do it all? And for some of us, we don't even recognize that there's a part of us that feels a little proud when we hear that. And so then it becomes part of our identity. So then there are, when things happen in our life where there are different roadblocks or different struggles or different things, you know, things we can't control and we feel emotions that the ones that are not fun, I call them the emotions that aren't the fun ones, the fear, the anger, the sadness, we feel those emotions when things are happening out of our control, then we feel weak. And so we don't don't share anything about what's happening to us, because we've just been praised for being strong. So what do you think? When you think about women and being the strong one, what do you think about it?

SPEAKER_00 9:25

I, I agree with everything that you've mentioned. Again, it's just like the person that maybe you're the go to person where people seek your advice. Of course, you even touched on it, like people rarely check on you, because you're You seem like you have it all together. Like you have the answer. A lot of times what I hear in conversation with other women is that people think I am perfect. Like I always have to get it right. I never even have the space or the opportunity to not be put together or not have it all together. So I think that you touched on a lot of things that I would use to describe the strong one and, and And for me, I always like to explain this to clients in a way of is just not with your immediate family or your friends. You also show up as the strong one in the workspace as well, or in community settings or in, you know, Greek life, whatever that looks like for you. It's this idea of like, I always have to be on, I cannot show. And even when you talk about, you know, know, not being weak. I think it even goes back to, I don't want to show any emotion. I think some people take on that identity so much so that they kind of like detach from what their true feelings are expressing their emotions. So you, you touch right on it. And even as you were describing some of the ways in which you would define being the strong one, I identify with so many of them, just the idea of like always trying to hold it together. I think for a while, during a season in my life, I should say, as the therapist of the friend group or the therapist of the people I was around, they always expected me to have it all figured out or have the answers or even just know exactly what to say. And I'm like, baby, I'm over here struggling too. I'm taking it day by day. But because people expected that of me, sometimes even if they didn't say it out loud it just it was a feeling that maybe I had that people expect me to have it together I really started to act that out so being strong I'm okay I'm good no I don't need your help I'll figure it out like no you do your thing I'll show up for you I'll show up for you but deep down inside I was struggling I was going through my own things but I was afraid to actually share that because I I did not want the way that I could potentially show up to tarnish, just like the way that people saw me or the way that people see me.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

I can relate to that. Especially if you have been, or because you've been holding space for so many people, even if you think about pre-therapist life, right? Part of how some of us ended up in this work is because you heard, oh, you're so helpful. You're so consistent. you're so thoughtful you give such great advice you know lots of versions of those types of things because we are the holders of stuff the secrets all the things right um and when you are given or sometimes accept the strong one the strong friend the strong person title you don't always feel strong enough because you don't feel safe enough so you don't always feel strong enough safe enough to share your own stuff um whether it be at home with your family especially definitely not at work you're not gonna

SPEAKER_00 13:15

yes oh girl no you know you there for a short amount of time you are not trying to show people what could be happening behind closed doors for sure

SPEAKER_01 13:27

right and it's not that you're being fake but it's just like you don't feel like you always have the space to not be okay um and whatever that looks like for you depending on what you're going through so

SPEAKER_02 13:39

yeah

SPEAKER_01 13:39

you do say things like i'm good or i'm okay you do smile when you're not well because you're just trying to hold it all together. I can't help but think about why we do that. Why so many of us feel like we, where this pressure comes from to be strong, if not all the time, at least most of the time. I don't know, you tell me if this is the same for you, but I don't know of a time other than at a funeral where I saw my mom not be put together. Meaning like, you know, of course, if she was disciplining my brothers because you know how it is raising children but even outside of that I don't I didn't see that as her not being strong because she's parenting so I don't know that I saw her crying or upset and I know she went through things I know now as an adult that she went through things because she shared them with me and I get it you know you only want your children to see you at your best you know when possible as much as possible so I'm certain she wasn't going to share the things that she struggled with with me as a child but I'm just I'm thinking about this picture I have in my mind of the women that I was around even my grandmother like I never saw them not be okay I always saw them helping other people serving other people showing up for everybody making sure everyone else had what they needed and I identified that as strength right yes and so for many women, especially Black women, we are taught early what strength looks like. We're taught to push through. Don't let other people see you cry. Don't let the other people see you fall apart. So if the women in my life ever fell apart, I have no idea when it happened or where it

SPEAKER_00 15:32

happened. Yeah. I mean, for me, I did witness some moments where my mom released her emotions. She cried you know, she shared things, but it was often met with, I'm crying and I'm good. Like, don't worry about it. It's okay. You know, like I still got to keep, keep going. Like, I don't have time to sit in this. I don't have time to process this. I always say that, you know, I was raised by a lot of strong women, especially my mom, my grandmother, my aunts. But so I can see, you know, the beauty in their strength and I can also I also see how that has impacted them now as an adult, like the way that they process things, the way that they kind of express their feelings and their emotions. And you're right. It's, it's hard. It's hard to see, not see as much as a child and then grow into your own version of a woman and try to figure out, well, like how, how am I supposed to show up? Like, because I think even what exactly, Exactly. And I think it extends beyond just our family too. When we think about it from a cultural perspective, like we're always taught like, you know, Black women are strong. Keep going. You can carry this weight. Like we've done it for years and years. It is our responsibility to take care of everyone around us. I think it's just been in our face for so long that there was no other choice other than you're going to be strong. You're going to show up. You can't Exactly. I

SPEAKER_01 17:14

agree. Who else was going to do it? And if you are raising children by yourself, if you have parents who are getting older and you're having to take care of them, if you're an only child, you know, there's lots of factors that put people in a position where there literally is no other choice. They have to be the one to do all the things, right? And then depending on what your spiritual practice is all right in some church spaces like you know you pray about it you keep going whoever set us down at church to say and said you know god wants you to rest it's okay to say that you're not okay it's okay to say no when you're asked to do something if you don't have the capacity wait first check to see if you have the capacity to do it but whoever set us down to say that check to check on checking with yourself see if you can handle this thing or i'm gonna ask you can you do something you have permission to tell me no whoever really had those conversations with us and for most of us the answer is no one so we

SPEAKER_00 18:16

I don't think I've ever heard that church said it and that's not to bash you know the church at all but I've never heard that yeah like you know God wants you to rest I think so many of us you know say things about you know God he gives you the strength to go through all of these things so like very true you know people hear that and I I do know that I have so many clients and people that I work with that have shared like, well, God gave this to me because I can handle it. So I have no choice but to be strong and push through. And I'm like, God also said, lay this down, baby. Like lay this at my feet, rest. Let me do the heavy lifting or the heavy load. But it's just, as you mentioned, it's a part of the culture piece and how we were raised and the messages that we heard growing up.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Yeah. Yeah. then let's talk about the impact of not laying things down at God's feet at always being the only one of the primary one to carry the load of being the strong one. What do you think that looks like? What does that feel like?

SPEAKER_00 19:27

You know, carrying that type of pressure for years, it really does something to you. I think mentally, emotionally, and physically, it can cause harm. And I see it in a way of of like the person may feel like burnt out, but they really don't know how to stop or slow down. I also feel like there is a level of resentment that may build up, especially underneath the surface. And so then for some people, they may start to withdraw or isolate, or they may say like, I don't want to use this terminology, but we hear it more than ever. now in the social media streets, they may crash out. Like they may start just going off and sharing a lot of emotions or unloading in an unhealthier way that, you know, it really doesn't get to the root of the issue. But I also think one of the biggest things that I noticed, and I talked about this personally earlier, it's just like you struggle with asking for help because it just doesn't feel natural. So it feels like Like if you're asking for help, you're letting someone down or even the idea of no one else is going to show up for me because they're dealing with their own set of problems or their own stressors. So it begins to take a toll on you mentally as well as physically. I know even when we think about the physical component, this is where we start to see higher levels of just like blood pressure. People are extremely stressed we hear of women going through like severe hormonal changes the migraines like all of the things physically starts happening and they're wondering why like why is my body failing me why is my body betraying me or shutting down right now but it's because we are so used to being on go mode and doing all of the things that now your body is like I don't want to be strong in this way I don't want to keep doing these things I actually need something different

SPEAKER_01 21:45

yeah do you think that I agree with everything you just shared about the toll that it takes on us mentally physically emotionally I also think about this idea that you know every you see a lot of women talking about being their soft girl era right and that means a lot of a lot of different things to different women in the context of being the strong one I think for a lot of us there's no room for softness because you can't fall apart. There's too much to at risk. There's too much to lose. There's no space to say this is too much. I can't handle it. I'm not okay. I do need some help. I do need to be doing less because to some of us that looks like the opposite of being strong. It's hard not to feel like you aren't valuable if you don't have anything to contribute right and if your contributions are always being the one to carry everything and when I say carry I'm maybe just the practical things you do every day you know taking care of the kids or prepping the meals or heck being the one to call a person back right and a reasonable amount of time responding to a text getting the kids to the after school activities whatever your responsibilities are right getting the projects done in a timely manner at work and doing that with excellence Whatever your responsibilities are, not feeling like you have the space to say, oh, yeah, I can't. I can't do that. Because then where do I land? If I fall apart, where am I going to land? Who's going to be able to catch me, so to speak? And so there is no space to be soft because that looks too much like possibly weakness, maybe,

SPEAKER_00 23:34

you

SPEAKER_01 23:34

think?

SPEAKER_00 23:35

I can agree in a sense of someone feeling like, you know, I don't have the opportunity. opportunity to be soft if we're describing it in that way but for me you know a part of that is reframing what does the the soft life mean for me not as a generalized concept but really yeah like what does this look like for me what what would soft be for me now if I'm thinking about asking for help no I may not go to a person that I really don't have a close relationship with or there's not a deep connection with but who in my community can I share a little bit with who in my community can I be vulnerable with yeah do I have to share all parts of how I'm feeling or can I give them what I want and tease that conversation in so it may be like I'm not going to tell you everything that's going on but I may just say hey sis like this week been rough I don't know why is rough it's a lot going on over here but just send up a word for me just send me some encouragement whatever you can it can be I don't want to say as simple as that but those are the ways in which you can reframe what it looks like to focus on like softness in your life I have really termed the soft era or the soft life to be what things can bring me a state of ease peace and Yeah, I love that. I'm not okay. Yeah. I like that.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

What you're saying is that we do have permission to create opportunities for

SPEAKER_00 25:50

ourselves to do nothing. That's what I heard you say. It shows even more strength in a healthy way because I'm choosing to create a soft space for myself that honors me and that really promotes self-love in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Yeah. So when we think about showing love for ourselves, showing up for ourselves can look like deciding what we're going to, what responsibilities we're going to hold on to and what things we're going to let go of. Yeah. being really intentional about what rest looks like for us not taking on more than we can actually manage and yeah creating a soft place for us to land and we'll talk more about what that might look like in a practical sense next time but I do yeah you gave all of us permission to do nothing

SPEAKER_00 27:04

yeah oh I'm glad I did that I hope that we actually all clean today include me too I'm not excluded include me too you know I think another thing that I would even add to that is even with giving ourselves permission to do nothing I think that this is also a great opportunity to redefine what you want your strength to look like so we define what someone may deem as being the strong one but you actually have the opportunity to say what do I want my strength to look like how do I want my strength to show up in in this world

SPEAKER_01 27:49

yeah I'm strong because I tell the truth when my the people who love me my people when they ask me how I'm doing I'm strong I actually do feel stronger when I do that I actually do feel stronger when my husband says can I and I say yeah sure yes not well maybe well let me show you how no when I say yes sure thank you yes and then I go sit down somewhere I actually do literally

SPEAKER_00 28:21

I love that

SPEAKER_01 28:25

when I do that I feel stronger when I demonstrate for my daughter what um can look like in a relationship letting yes I can take out the trash I can open the car door for myself I can put my own gas I can do all of those things and I can enjoy allowing my husband to do some of those things or all those things for me whenever possible because I have so many other things I need to be doing anyway so why not allow him to carry some of the weight

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Yeah, I'm stronger. in this moment because the more that I am honest with myself, I have witnessed myself open up in other ways with other people because now I'm seeing what it feels like to trust myself enough to say you're not okay and it's going to be okay. And so when I'm sharing with other people, it doesn't feel like, oh, how do they view me? What are they thinking about? It's truly like I'm sharing with someone that provides safety. I'm sharing with my husband. I'm sharing with my best friend. I'm sharing with my cousin because they want to be here for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Yeah, you softening up a little bit. Yeah, just

SPEAKER_00 30:09

a little bit. I'm knocking that wall down, girl.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

Okay, so for the woman who feels like she has to hold everything together, this is becoming one of my favorite scriptures. I've used it a lot in this season. Matthew 11, 28 is for you. Well, it's actually for us. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. This scripture is important to me because it reminds me that God never intended for us. He's never asked us. He's create us um with the ability the capacity to be able to live on empty so that means we can't always be pouring pouring pouring into everyone and not allowing ourselves to be filled with things that matter to us things that we have decided are important to us things that we just decided are going to make us feel strong um this verse is an invitation for us to Just allow ourselves to allow God to do what he does best. And that's to make sure we're good. When you're tired, he says, come to me. When you're overwhelmed, he says, come to me. He doesn't say keep pushing through. He doesn't say try harder. He says to rest. Let me make sure that's what I read. Yep. Come to me. Yeah. To rest. not try harder, not keep going. And so I encourage, I'm encouraging myself. I'm reminding myself. I'm encouraging all of you to try, try this, to try to go to God, take all your things to him and rest. And let's see how that works.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

All right, ladies, before we go, let's take a pause together. A rest stop before you step back into your day. Being the strong one has probably felt like a part of your identity for as long as you can remember. But strength isn't about enduring. It's about knowing when to rest. You don't have to carry everything by yourself. So a question that you can kind of reflect on and process until you join us for episode three is where in my life am I holding on to something that's too heavy? for me to carry alone. So I really hope that you actually spend some time processing, journaling, talking it out, meeting with your sister circle, best friend, whomever, just to share and hear more about their experience with being the strong one and what they can release that's too heavy for them to carry. As a small step, this week, instead of saying, I got it, choose one One thing to release, ask for help or postpone a task or admit that you need a break. You're still strong even when you decide to rest.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

So if this episode hit home for you, don't miss next week's episode. We're going to talk about what real sport looks like, how to let go of this pressure to be the strong one without feeling guilty about it. Until then, take care of yourself and don't forget to trust your journey. Peace.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

That's it for today's conversation. We're so glad you joined us. If

SPEAKER_01 33:26

this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to subscribe, share with a friend or leave us a review. It helps more women like you find this space.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

Join us next time for another honest conversation. Until then, take care of yourself and trust your journey.